Force vs Power

For high-achievers, failure can feel like tumbling down the success mountain all the way to the beginning. It certainly felt that way for me. The discouragement comes in quickly saying "I can't believe I have to start over" or "I need to work way harder" or the resigned, "maybe this just isn't for me after all."

These responses are completely normal. I know, because I’ve said every one of them myself. Frustration sets in and my response was always to do more. Because in that phase, I believed that life happens by me, which is a very forceful energy. But if we look at force, it's coming from a place of fear and control. It creates so much pressure that circumstances must fall the way I decide them to and if they don't, then I'm doing something wrong.

Being raised in America, and a space that rewards toughness, assertiveness and busy work, I fell into the trap of believing that my happiness, worth, and love all reside in achievements that are somewhere in the future, which ultimately never arrives. But from that energy, it's no surprise that I was forcing my way through life, fighting everything that stood in my way, chasing the sense of wholeness and worth I already possessed. But at the time, I had no idea. I became one of the hardest workers I knew, feeling threatened by the world around me. I'd wake up anxious, which I used to push myself to my limits. And when I did reach the achievements, at best I'd feel relieved for a few minutes and it was onto the next milestone; the trophy holding the life I really wanted seemingly got further away each time.

  Before I get into what power looks like, I'll explain why it felt so scary to step out of force. I've always been praised and revered for being extremely tough. And being able to push through anything. I felt like I could control things in my reality. If I just work a little harder, or if I do things perfectly, then I'll get what I want. But I learned many times that this control is actually an illusion. It felt safe because I was doing something. But it was like running on a treadmill towards my goals. It wasn't really getting me closer to what I truly wanted in life. But it was seductive because keeping myself busy helped me avoid the pain that some things are completely out of my control. I can influence life, but I'm not the only one driving the bus. I've recently shifted into power, which was a multi-year process. The rest of the metaphorical walls I had up were smashed down with a sledgehammer thanks to my epic coach, Gary Waters.

   The shift came from a change in perspective, but it wasn’t something I could push into happening. If we return to the first paragraph where I mentioned tumbling down the mountain to the beginning, how I now see it is that I was tumbling into a valley... A part of the continuous path of life itself. For years I understood these ideas intellectually and tried to consciously think my way there. The real shift happened when it finally landed on a subconscious level. It was letting go of the story that I did anything wrong to be where I am. It's choosing to see that things can happen that I don't prefer, but knowing that I can adjust or pivot, without attaching a narrative to the circumstances.

Power is like dancing with life. It's juicy acceptance for the way things are. Realizing that nothing could be any different and I'm exactly where I'm meant to be. That things are always happening for me, or even better: through me as me. I've let go of the fighting and feel relaxed knowing that I can trust where life is taking me. That the desires I have now are aligned and I feel excitement taking action, rather than pressure. My happiness, worth, love, abundance, etc are all right here, right now. It's in the ways the trees are rooted into the earth, the way my first sip of coffee in the morning tastes, the way it feels when I do a double cork just because I can. Without the pressure, I can actually do anything I want. But the difference is that it's coming from a place of deep love rather than egoic fear. So the drive is still there to create, but there's much more space for it to come through.

   Ever since this shift, I noticed that the programming of force is literally everywhere. Nobody cares, work harder. Be more disciplined or become less ambitious. There's nothing wrong with this mindset, but it is exhausting and most people find they either never get to the end, or they're not happy when they do. I do want to add a caveat that I'm speaking to the people that are already very disciplined. Those that do everything possible to control and force. At the end of the day, they are chasing the feeling they think that the accomplishment will bring them, which they have access to in the present moment, as things are. That's where the real freedom lies. It's flowing and moving forward with life regardless of the circumstances.

If you find yourself in a similar position, my invitation is to ask yourself if you feel you're coming from force or power. One feels constricting and fear based, the other expansive and spacious. When this shift happened, initially I felt so much spaciousness that I actually had no idea what to do. That space was originally occupied by my mind anxiously trying to figure everything out. Without all the noise, there were endless possibilities in my orbit, but no pressure to make them happen. Creativity became my default, and ideas came flowing through in ways that were unfamiliar, but peaceful.

Just because I've stepped into power, it doesn't mean that I'm any less devoted to my goals. Paradoxically, letting go of force has allowed the real desires and ambitions to come forward, rather than the ones that have been held onto by conditioning. The best part is that I can pursue these things, knowing life is going to take me where it will, but I don’t feel like I need to get anywhere anymore, because I’m already happy in the journey.